While I’m away

I left on a trip out of the country to Japan. This caused some anxiety on the day I left. Will things keep moving, will they be ok, will everyone get along? Not much I could do ether way. I was already committed to my trip and had been looking forward to going with our youngest daughter.

Praying has been such a help for me. And this hot sun! It’s beautiful here in Japan. Feeling the sun kiss my skin and sit in solace gives me great joy and peace. The greenery here is so amazing. Everywhere I look I see bright, vivid green in all the trees, shrubs, grass, vegetation and the flowers are amazing too.

Japan has its own scent. It’s much different than Alaska it the USA. I cannot describe the scent yet, but I hope to before I go home.

Last night there was rain and a thunder storm. The smell of the rain was wonderful and hearing the thunder brought back childhood memories of traveling to see my Great Grandmother. One of my most fond memories in my childhood.

This morning I received great news. We are finally closer to inpatient treatment. My son has his intake for his assessment Monday and he will receive medication assisted therapy until he goes.

While I am away, I have been praying, praying and praying for my family and my son. Thank you Jesus for hearing those prayers and guiding us.

While I am away, my body, mind and attention is focused on what I have in front of me. However, part of my heart remains at home with my family and with my son.

Advertisements

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen

Crisp, Cool and Inviting

via Crisp

I was sitting at the table listening to the waves lap onto the shoreline, the wind lightly tussing the tree branches and the rain pelting at the glass on the windows. It was a cool spring day. What a disappointment after having a few beautiful sunny days.

My morning coffee tasted so good. Fresh and flavored with my favorite almond milk Carmel creamer. I held my cup just below my nose, closed my mouth and breathed in the sweet savory scent. I closed my eyes and stayed in that moment for a minute or two.

I got up, walked over to the sliding glass door, slid it open and stepped out in the deck. The cool, crisp morning air caressed my face. Soft, cold raindrops kissed my skin and body. I closed my eyes, held my cup up to smell my coffee and savored the moment.

There has never been such a crisp, inviting, and fresh ocean air that I have yearned for like the one in my backyard. Despite the Southeast rain, I love to take in long breaths on the deck and enjoy the breathtaking moments on our deck.

 

Narcissism

dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/narcissism/

Her inability to recognize that others are able to have their own opinions and think freely was not the only reason she oozed with narcissism. It was certainly a contributing factor, but not the main trait. She especially challenged other women.

It was more than being a little jealous. It was she saw other women as a threat, a competition and that she was the better woman. No one else could be better than her.

She always has a constant need to point out how she is doing. Kind of like a “look at me” attitude. Look at me, my grades are so awesome. Look at me, I’m better off without you. Look at me, I’m doing better than you could have expected. Why can you not make me the center of your attention all the time!

Her narcissism oozed out when she spoke. It oozed out when she would get upset with people not praising her every move. It oozed out when she refused to listen to others thoughts and feelings. How could her ideas not be the best ones? How could she just be another opinion not agreed with? Or how could someone else have a good idea that would have just as much impact or more than hers!

She was that woman that people avoided because of her narcissism. She definitely was intelligent, pretty, funny and charismatic. However, her inability to recognize and be open to others opinions really showed her true intent and her flaws.

I Can Be Your Hero

via Song — Prompts – The Daily Post

What a magical day it was.  Getting my hair and makeup done, watching my flowers be put together, having my best friends and closest people/family around me while I was made into a princess.  My dress was champagne and had sheer sleeves.  A corset top that laced up the back with a ballroom gown bottom.  It was heavy on my body but I sure felt beautiful so the weight didn’t bother me.

This was my second marriage.  His too.  However, we just clicked and we knew right away our souls were meant to become one.  I was walking on soft, cushy clouds, my stomach had butterflies, and I had never felt that things were so right.  This man swept me off my feet and stole my heart.  He took my breath away and made me feel ways I had never before.  It was like the first kiss all over again and again and again.

This was the day I had dreamt about since I was a tiny little girl.  The one where my prince charming would ride up on his horse, sweep me off my feet and become my Hero.  Where I could wear my princess dress, have my wedding party and my prince and commit my life to another person and become a Mrs. Prince…. Mrs. Prince Tony.  That is who I was becoming.  I couldn’t wait!

As I sat there with Karen dolling me up, I thought back on all the things we had experienced together in the last 15 months.  BBQ’d pizza, yellow tshirts, camping, darts, being sang to, walks on the beach, baseball games, trip to Juneau together, sharing my deepest thoughts and that first kiss that melt my heart. Our song is “I Can Be Your Hero, by Enrique Iglesias.”  I could’t wait to dance with my Prince after saying our vows.

 

 

 

Keep Driving

via His Heart Beats

You never really think about what exactly drives you to get up and go daily. We just do it!  We learn to get up each day, use the bathroom, get dressed, eat breakfast, have coffee, brush teeth and go about whatever it is you are to be doing.  Then we come home each evening, have dinner, socialize if we want, go through the motions and head to bed.  Groundhogs Day comes and goes as one would expect as an adult.

When you are a toddler, you get up and giggle, play and learn the awe of wonder in each new thing you touch. You touch, chew, lick, try to eat everything you can just to have your senses learn about this new world you live in.

As you grow older and get into grade school you get up, smile, laugh, and learn how to socialize with your friends while learning how to read, write and all the fun things that come with elementary school.  Relay races, artwork for holidays, field day and summer break come and go.

Junior High school… well that is much different. The awkward stage where you are maturing, growing, and your hormones are all wacky and crazy and all over the place.  As a teen girl, I cried, I laughed and I freaked out all in a 5 minute time frame!  My hair was never right, my clothes were not right and changing was difficult!

High School, phew, finally I started feeling better about myself.  It was much nicer.  I enjoyed my classes, I had good friends, I felt better about myself and couldn’t wait to get the heck out on my own! Until I was that is!

Right now, I keep going through the daily grind.  Wake up, get kids up, shower, get ready for work, make sure kids are ready, head off to work/school and then come home and do dinner, activities, prayers, bedtime and restart it all over again.  I think about how I LOVE my life and how I LOVE my kids and how I want to continue to see their hearts beat and their lives thrive.  My DRIVE is my children, my husband and my  love for them and God.  Keep driving, that is what I tell myself each day.