My mind does this lately. I wake up at 2am and then it starts. The thoughts flood in and refuse to slow down. Where is he right now? Is he safe? Is he warm? Is he alive? I look out the window and the moon seems to be smiling at me. This makes me angry. Go away moon! How can you be smiling while I cannot sleep and I am full of worry?
I play every what if scenario in my mind. What if he overdosed and his friends don’t help him? Maybe he didn’t bring his Narcan with him today. What if he is lying somewhere cold and needing help? What if he isn’t on heroin today and its meth? What if he has a heart attack because as a teenager he has suffered from a high blood pressure and an enlarged heart. What if he gets into a car with someone who is high and its winter time and they wreck? Who will help them? Will the hospital know he needs to be detoxed? Will they help him? What if he is involved with the wrong people and gets beat up or stabbed or shot? Who will help him? Will someone call me? Will they dump him in our driveway?
Will I wake up to see this precious child of God twisted, stiff, and dead? Will I have to wake up his baby sisters and give them the worst news they have ever received? Call his big sister and hurt her too? Or call his father, my ex-husband, and tell him his only son is gone and has succumbed to addiction just like the uncle he was name after did? What if I cannot go on living? What if I go crazy then? What if I cannot take care of my other children ever again?
I look over at my cell phone. Turn it on and go right to Facebook Messenger. Thank you FB Messenger for telling me the last time my son used you. Sometimes it say active and sometimes it says 5 hours ago. I can relax the best if it says active. Just because my mind tells me that he is alive right now.
Then I say a prayer, Lord, please put a circle of protection around your precious son, your precious gift you have blessed me with. Let him hear you whispering in his ear and feel you in his heart. Let him know he is worthy and loved and cared about. Let those chains that bind him to his addiction slowly be released and fall off of him. Thank you Lord for loving me and being there for me as a Mom. Please give me the strength and courage to keep going without losing my mind. In Jesus name, Amen.
Rest easy Momma. He is still alive for today. You can sleep. I lie there for who knows how much longer before my body and mind gives in to needing sleep. I don’t dream and I wake up to my alarm feeling exhausted and heartbroken. UGH