My Worst Nightmare

Our minds can play tricks on us.  Even when we are sleeping.  I woke up about 4:30am today crying.  I was physically sobbing in my sleep.  My heart was racing and I was making whimpering noises.  I was at my sons funeral in  my dream.

In a dark room and with his father, my exhusband.  We were looking at our son, who was gone.  I was crying and on my knees on the floor saying “why” over and over.  My exhusband was not able to console me or even try because our relationship hasn’t been the best.

My jaw hurts as I clenched it often last night.  My heart hurts because this is my biggest fear. I never want to get that call that he is gone.  I am not sure how as a mother I will handle it.  I was now fully awake and lying in bed next to my snoring husband.  It took me a little bit to stop crying.

What if this was true. That he is gone and no one knows it yet?  What if I am going to get the call today? How will I tell his baby sisters?  One of them stayed out with a friend for hte night. The other is sound asleep in her room.  Is this how it feels to Moms when the lose a child. They wake up sobbing the moment it happens?  These were the thoughts racing through my head.

Then I flashed back to my brother in law in 1995.  He passed away and it was such a difficult situation.  I remember getting a lock of his hair, having him cremated, listening to stories about him at his funeral.  He was only 26 when he passed away.   I was pregnant with my son at the time, we named him after his uncle when he was born a couple months later.

I want to call his father to see how he is today. But I cannot.  My exhusband doesn’t want to be in the “middle” of my son and I – our issues anyhow.  It is so hard to not find comfort at this point.  This is every parents worst nightmare – one I cannot wake up from because I AM AWAKE in it.

Lord, please continue to provide peace and comfort in a rough situation for my family.  Thank you for being there to listen to me when I feel alone (which is more often than not lately).  Please put a circle of protection around our son and let him know he is worthy.

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