Vigilant to be Awake

I remember the night I couldn’t sleep. Someone dropped him off and he seemed ok but as time went on it was clear he was messed up.

He sat on the couch and the nodding started. Then it turned into his mouth moving no words coming out. Graduating from that to trying so hard to stay awake but his eyes closed and he would lean way over side to side.

I was so scared. I had no idea what was going on. I tried my best to stay awake just to make sure he was ok. I googled every possible phrase to see how long it takes for an overdose after using and what the signs and symptoms are.

My Mom heart was aching, my eyes were burning, I was sooooo tired! But I was vigilant to not fall asleep just in case. Got the narcan out just to be safe.

Before me flashed every moment- from his birth, to getting RSV, to the first teeth, listening to me and his father sing silly songs to him, to him shaving his head to be like me when I had lost my hair during chemo therapy, to baseball, basketball, wrestling, Japanese Exchange student time, to first car, first girlfriend, prom, graduation and then…. here.

Thank you God for being here and listening to my every thought, hearing my prayers, comforting me when no one else can and for offering my son love and grace because he is YOUR child and you love him.

I wish I could never fall asleep and never miss a moment with him until he is in recovery. I am vigilant to be awake. However, I just cannot make it, my eyes burn, my body and mind are tired and I must sleep.

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