Shaken To My Core

via Daily Prompt: Core

The day I found his paraphanelia is the day I was shaken to my core.  Perhaps the reality of the substance use disorder had not fully sunk in yet. I guess I may have thought that he wasn’t really that bad or that he was not doing anything quite so strong.  BOY was I ever wrong.  I couldn’t have been more wrong actually.

I was looking for something in our storage room and came across a box.  So I opened the box and there was the paraphanelia.  My heart started racing, my body was shaking and I cried.  How could this happen?  How did I not even notice that he was using like this?  Am I that blind?

I was shaken to my core.  Seeing what I did hit me hard.  I consider my core much more than my core body. It is my heart, the core of my self, the core of my being, the CORE of my motherhood.  Having my heart shredded in a matter of minutes made me feel sick.

I couldn’t help wonder what the heck was going on!  So I then decided maybe I should go find him and confront him and ask him what he was doing.  Maybe I should go look for him to make sure he was ok and not dead. Maybe I should go look for him to try and convince him to STOP and get back in recovery.

My husband went with me so I could drive around like a crazy lady and look for him.  Why I ever thought I would find him is beyond  me.  Even if I looked on every inch of the island there is no possible way I would find someone who didn’t want to be found.  I only did that one time and I realized how ridiculous I was acting.  So then I started educating myself.  I was shaken to my very core and needed to learn how to cope with what we were experiencing.

My core is my children.  My core is the love I have for my family.  My core is the very reason I live and breath. The most important part of me, the things that my heart LOVES the most, my husband, my children and grandchildren.  These are my CORE.

core
kôr/
noun
  1. 1.
    the tough central part of various fruits, containing the seeds.
    “quarter the pears, remove the cores then slice again into wedges”
  2. 2.
    the central or most important part of something.
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