Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

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