Still Alive

Well, it’s been months since I wrote. Been struggling with depression. Despite the fact things are good it has been difficult to feel better. It’s a daily struggle. Despite positive outcomes I’m still struggling.

My son went to treatment a second time after a near fatal overdose in August. It was HELL getting him there. I was here in Alaska and he was in Washington. The people he was with refused to give him a ride to the airport so I paid for an Uber! Yep, you got it, an Uber took him to catch his flight to treatment. My son wanted help so bad but no one surrounding him would help. So I was at my last straw.

When he arrived in treatment again he was assigned a different program and different counselor. Wow, what a difference this made. He extended his stay and worked his program and had a much different outlook. Right now he has been living in a sober living house since September and doing well. Has a job with a sober company and participated in NA regularly.

Me, I’m in Naranon, counseling and still working on myself. I still stress and fall into a thinking error and have to stop myself – I know right now he is safe! He is sober and I should try to live one day at a time. So this is my start to doing that.


Here I am, in family weekend again this summer, in treatment with my son. I have not felt fear since he has been in here. I have felt a sense a security just knowing he has been here.

It’s been a relief to know where he sleeps each night, who he is with, where he spends his spare time, and what he is doing. Which has been working on himself, relapse prevention and the aftercare process.

Today I am stuck on FEAR. In two days he will graduate from a 28 day program. I have so many fears… it is hard to process what my brain has going on. My fears are starting to cloud my mind.

My biggest fear lurks close by and causes a heightened sense of anxiety for me. I cannot get the thought of him overdosing and dying out of my mind. It is a real fear, something that I have to know could happen if he relapses.

Sometimes, even though I have faith, I can get lost too. I have self doubt and fear. My son looks good, seems determined, has a good outlook and is healthier than before. I’m doing my best to not let my fear show too much. One day at a time…

I’m Dying

Little by little I lose a piece of myself. Each piece I lose is making me die. Each piece I lose is valuable and shouldn’t be going away. It is mine! I don’t want to lose it, I don’t want to die!!

Yesterday I lost a piece of my patience. Boy, that was rough! I most certainly cannot afford to lose any of my patience! I need all the patience I can get!

Today I lost a piece of my self esteem. That really hurt. Brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest that I didn’t expect. I don’t enjoy losing my self esteem! It feels bad and I need all the self esteem I can get!

Last week I lost a piece of my heart. Ouch! That was some serious pain! Heartache is more painful than I had ever imagined. I thought I could get through it but I need all the pieces of my heart intact!

I’ve lost bits and pieces of joy, hope, laughter, love, patience, sleep, love, kindness, desire, gratitude, my heart, my family, my kids, and my faith. I need these thing back! I’m fragmented and cannot function without them. I don’t want to die!

Behind The Smile

Behind the smile is a complete different world. One that struggles to see the light and to feel positive. A world that others don’t know and they don’t want to know. One that is lonely and dark and leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile has no sun. It’s dark and grey all of the time. You cannot see others in the haze. You cannot even see yourself. You can only see the haze and nothing else. A dark, cold, permeating haze that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile smells rotten. It smells of death and decay. You cannot smell flowers. You cannot smell home cooked meals or baked cookies. You can only smell death and decay and there is nothing that can take that smell away. A rotting smell that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile doesn’t love me. It’s touch is cold and hard like frozen metal in the winter. If I reach out the sting is like frost bite and it starts to spread over my body. It stings at first and then goes deeper until I am screaming in pain. It won’t stop. I cannot use any amount of blankets to get warm. It’s a icy touch that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile has no people in it. It only has corpses. The corpses do not smile or wave at me. They chase me and try to eat me alive until I am a zombie, like them. With their razor sharp teeth, rotten flesh, bones protruding from the little flesh they have, they reach for me and I barely escape. The thought of being so close to death leaves an emptiness inside of me.





I completely believe each person wants recovery and it IS possible!!  Does it mean that it is a heck of a lot of hard work?  YESSSSS!  Does it mean that a person will struggle, cry, hurt, get confused, possibly relapse and get back on track?  YESSSSS!

As a mom with a child who is trying hard to stay in recovery and is in an inpatient rehab for the second time this summer, I believe that recovery is possible and that each individual at one point or another wants it.  Having faith and hope is very important to my own recovery as a Mom of someone struggling with substance use disorder.  It doesn’t just go away on abstinence.  This is a lifelong disease.

I have attended a couple online Naranon support groups for Moms. Those have been a wonderful support.  I cannot always make it on time due to my job and parenting.  I do my best. I ready daily “One day at time in Al-Anon” to help keep myself on track and grounded.

My recovery is a struggle too!  Being addicted to the child who is suffering is hard.  I never meant to go this route.  I never realized how unhealthy I was too.  I have been known to check FB Messenger to see when the last time it was used, text random, meaningless things just to get any response, and many other behaviors that I have struggled with that cause me anxiety and are unhealthy.

I too have to learn to get on track with myself and start to recover.  My life is not just about my child who has this disease. There are other children and grandchildren that need my attention and I am learning how to give it in a healthy way and staying in the moment.

Not only have my other kids been affected, my husband, my friends, my job, my family, and just about any area of my life.  Moms who have children with substance use disorder go through similar things as them but in a different way – unhealthy differently and it is hard to regain ourselves.

So if you know me, please give me time, patience and lots and lots of grace.  YOU are important to me, and I value you. I love my child too and I am working on my own recovery while they work on theirs.  I am sorry if I have not only myself, but you as well. That was never my intentions.  Please forgive me and know that…




No Words

Well I have been struggling with depression and anxiety over the summer. Hence, no writing for me. It’s not that I have a block but just no desire to do much.

Went to family weekend with our son. It was a super great experience for my husband, our son and I. Met some really great families and made some relationships that will last in the future.

Upon release from treatment our son didn’t have a solid plan where he was safe. No sober place to go. We encouraged him to make the arrangements but….

Well we went back to Alaska. He went to a familiar place. Relapse came quick. That familiar demon summoned him back to the throws of addiction. He was was back at it stronger than ever.

Ugh, my stomach was sick, my heart hurt, my anxiety screamed through the roof. I wanted to jump on the plane and go get him and tear everyone to pieces that got in my way.

Instead, I waited it out. Prayed and gave it up to God. Tried to focus on living my own life and hoped he would see the light.

FINALLY, with the proper love and encouragement of his new found brothers, he arranged to go back to treatment.

He was only out for 18 days and then went back. He has a new counselor, new group, new perspective. I’m at a loss for words really. I’m just praying this stay will be better.

From Heroin to Hope

Well our son has a few weeks off heroin now.  He is working his steps in rehab and I am sure it is hard work.  He sounds good, much better than before.  His voice is so much different now.  I don’t think he even realizes how much different his voice was.

My husband and I will be going to family week.  This is going to be a huge challenge for us.  Not because we don’t want to go.  Because we have to face the demon straight on and hear what our son has been through.  This will be my second time going.

I remember the first time (about 3 1/2 years ago) I sat in the parent group and listened to a Mom cry. She said it was the 8th time to inpatient treatment for her son.  I prayed that time would be it for me as a Mom.  Well here I am now and we are on the 2nd time.  I wish I remember who that Mom was as I would pray hard for her now and her son.

Heroin steals our children, brothers, sisters, neighbors, community and souls.  There is nothing like heroin.  It is as evil as drugs get.  It steals our hopes and dreams.  It ravishes our minds.  We don’t even have to use it for this to happen!  That is the the worst part!!  We just get to experience a new kind of hell whether we like it or not!

I do have hope.  We are going from heroin to hope this month.  I know where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.  That gives me peace.  I know he is struggling to work hard and stay on track and that he will need much more time in recovery before we can let down some of our defenses and walls.  BUT I HAVE HOPE.

I heard my son’s voice.  It was him.  His softness, his love and his boyish attitude. That gives me hope. He is in there, he wants recovery and he deserves it!!  Our love for him won’t ever go away.  I hope that he is learning to love himself again and forgive himself and knows we will always LOVE him.

For today we are going from heroin to hope.  I am going to live in the moment, for today and pray that each day our son is stronger and can stand against this addiction.  Most importantly, we will love him no matter what!


Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

CRAZY is about to take a rest

Well I am back from Japan.  Had an absolutely amazing time!  I would recommend to anyone that they go and see Japan!! It was fantastic!  I found it very peaceful after I started to feel more comfortable.  The scenery is such bright and so green!  Not like anything I have seen. And the streets are so clean! Not a garbage can in sight, yet no trash on the ground.  People do not walk around eating anywhere in Japan.  It is not heard of.

So, while I was gone all hell broke loose.  Our son relapsed and was full on using all the time.  Things were going very bad.  My husband and him had words and my husband reconciled and went to him and they were fine.  Both of them  were at fault.

Why are there no directions on how parents are to deal with this stuff? UGH, makes it so very difficult. You love your kid so much and yet you have to sit back and watch it all take place and not be able to do anything.  My heart feels like it is stomped on all the time!

Anyhow, I am back now and look my son was finally able to get into the medication assisted therapy program and it looks like he will have a bed for inpatient treatment and he has a detox he can go to. So hopefully the crazy cycle is about to take a rest at least for a while. I am praying he can get the services he needs to stop altogether and not turn back.  However, I must be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  I have faith!!

While I’m away

I left on a trip out of the country to Japan. This caused some anxiety on the day I left. Will things keep moving, will they be ok, will everyone get along? Not much I could do ether way. I was already committed to my trip and had been looking forward to going with our youngest daughter.

Praying has been such a help for me. And this hot sun! It’s beautiful here in Japan. Feeling the sun kiss my skin and sit in solace gives me great joy and peace. The greenery here is so amazing. Everywhere I look I see bright, vivid green in all the trees, shrubs, grass, vegetation and the flowers are amazing too.

Japan has its own scent. It’s much different than Alaska it the USA. I cannot describe the scent yet, but I hope to before I go home.

Last night there was rain and a thunder storm. The smell of the rain was wonderful and hearing the thunder brought back childhood memories of traveling to see my Great Grandmother. One of my most fond memories in my childhood.

This morning I received great news. We are finally closer to inpatient treatment. My son has his intake for his assessment Monday and he will receive medication assisted therapy until he goes.

While I am away, I have been praying, praying and praying for my family and my son. Thank you Jesus for hearing those prayers and guiding us.

While I am away, my body, mind and attention is focused on what I have in front of me. However, part of my heart remains at home with my family and with my son.