RIP RIP RIP

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

I completely believe each person wants recovery and it IS possible!!  Does it mean that it is a heck of a lot of hard work?  YESSSSS!  Does it mean that a person will struggle, cry, hurt, get confused, possibly relapse and get back on track?  YESSSSS!

As a mom with a child who is trying hard to stay in recovery and is in an inpatient rehab for the second time this summer, I believe that recovery is possible and that each individual at one point or another wants it.  Having faith and hope is very important to my own recovery as a Mom of someone struggling with substance use disorder.  It doesn’t just go away on abstinence.  This is a lifelong disease.

I have attended a couple online Naranon support groups for Moms. Those have been a wonderful support.  I cannot always make it on time due to my job and parenting.  I do my best. I ready daily “One day at time in Al-Anon” to help keep myself on track and grounded.

My recovery is a struggle too!  Being addicted to the child who is suffering is hard.  I never meant to go this route.  I never realized how unhealthy I was too.  I have been known to check FB Messenger to see when the last time it was used, text random, meaningless things just to get any response, and many other behaviors that I have struggled with that cause me anxiety and are unhealthy.

I too have to learn to get on track with myself and start to recover.  My life is not just about my child who has this disease. There are other children and grandchildren that need my attention and I am learning how to give it in a healthy way and staying in the moment.

Not only have my other kids been affected, my husband, my friends, my job, my family, and just about any area of my life.  Moms who have children with substance use disorder go through similar things as them but in a different way – unhealthy differently and it is hard to regain ourselves.

So if you know me, please give me time, patience and lots and lots of grace.  YOU are important to me, and I value you. I love my child too and I am working on my own recovery while they work on theirs.  I am sorry if I have not only myself, but you as well. That was never my intentions.  Please forgive me and know that…

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

CRAZY is about to take a rest

Well I am back from Japan.  Had an absolutely amazing time!  I would recommend to anyone that they go and see Japan!! It was fantastic!  I found it very peaceful after I started to feel more comfortable.  The scenery is such bright and so green!  Not like anything I have seen. And the streets are so clean! Not a garbage can in sight, yet no trash on the ground.  People do not walk around eating anywhere in Japan.  It is not heard of.

So, while I was gone all hell broke loose.  Our son relapsed and was full on using all the time.  Things were going very bad.  My husband and him had words and my husband reconciled and went to him and they were fine.  Both of them  were at fault.

Why are there no directions on how parents are to deal with this stuff? UGH, makes it so very difficult. You love your kid so much and yet you have to sit back and watch it all take place and not be able to do anything.  My heart feels like it is stomped on all the time!

Anyhow, I am back now and look my son was finally able to get into the medication assisted therapy program and it looks like he will have a bed for inpatient treatment and he has a detox he can go to. So hopefully the crazy cycle is about to take a rest at least for a while. I am praying he can get the services he needs to stop altogether and not turn back.  However, I must be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  I have faith!!

While I’m away

I left on a trip out of the country to Japan. This caused some anxiety on the day I left. Will things keep moving, will they be ok, will everyone get along? Not much I could do ether way. I was already committed to my trip and had been looking forward to going with our youngest daughter.

Praying has been such a help for me. And this hot sun! It’s beautiful here in Japan. Feeling the sun kiss my skin and sit in solace gives me great joy and peace. The greenery here is so amazing. Everywhere I look I see bright, vivid green in all the trees, shrubs, grass, vegetation and the flowers are amazing too.

Japan has its own scent. It’s much different than Alaska it the USA. I cannot describe the scent yet, but I hope to before I go home.

Last night there was rain and a thunder storm. The smell of the rain was wonderful and hearing the thunder brought back childhood memories of traveling to see my Great Grandmother. One of my most fond memories in my childhood.

This morning I received great news. We are finally closer to inpatient treatment. My son has his intake for his assessment Monday and he will receive medication assisted therapy until he goes.

While I am away, I have been praying, praying and praying for my family and my son. Thank you Jesus for hearing those prayers and guiding us.

While I am away, my body, mind and attention is focused on what I have in front of me. However, part of my heart remains at home with my family and with my son.

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen

Keep Driving

via His Heart Beats

You never really think about what exactly drives you to get up and go daily. We just do it!  We learn to get up each day, use the bathroom, get dressed, eat breakfast, have coffee, brush teeth and go about whatever it is you are to be doing.  Then we come home each evening, have dinner, socialize if we want, go through the motions and head to bed.  Groundhogs Day comes and goes as one would expect as an adult.

When you are a toddler, you get up and giggle, play and learn the awe of wonder in each new thing you touch. You touch, chew, lick, try to eat everything you can just to have your senses learn about this new world you live in.

As you grow older and get into grade school you get up, smile, laugh, and learn how to socialize with your friends while learning how to read, write and all the fun things that come with elementary school.  Relay races, artwork for holidays, field day and summer break come and go.

Junior High school… well that is much different. The awkward stage where you are maturing, growing, and your hormones are all wacky and crazy and all over the place.  As a teen girl, I cried, I laughed and I freaked out all in a 5 minute time frame!  My hair was never right, my clothes were not right and changing was difficult!

High School, phew, finally I started feeling better about myself.  It was much nicer.  I enjoyed my classes, I had good friends, I felt better about myself and couldn’t wait to get the heck out on my own! Until I was that is!

Right now, I keep going through the daily grind.  Wake up, get kids up, shower, get ready for work, make sure kids are ready, head off to work/school and then come home and do dinner, activities, prayers, bedtime and restart it all over again.  I think about how I LOVE my life and how I LOVE my kids and how I want to continue to see their hearts beat and their lives thrive.  My DRIVE is my children, my husband and my  love for them and God.  Keep driving, that is what I tell myself each day.

Shaken To My Core

via Daily Prompt: Core

The day I found his paraphanelia is the day I was shaken to my core.  Perhaps the reality of the substance use disorder had not fully sunk in yet. I guess I may have thought that he wasn’t really that bad or that he was not doing anything quite so strong.  BOY was I ever wrong.  I couldn’t have been more wrong actually.

I was looking for something in our storage room and came across a box.  So I opened the box and there was the paraphanelia.  My heart started racing, my body was shaking and I cried.  How could this happen?  How did I not even notice that he was using like this?  Am I that blind?

I was shaken to my core.  Seeing what I did hit me hard.  I consider my core much more than my core body. It is my heart, the core of my self, the core of my being, the CORE of my motherhood.  Having my heart shredded in a matter of minutes made me feel sick.

I couldn’t help wonder what the heck was going on!  So I then decided maybe I should go find him and confront him and ask him what he was doing.  Maybe I should go look for him to make sure he was ok and not dead. Maybe I should go look for him to try and convince him to STOP and get back in recovery.

My husband went with me so I could drive around like a crazy lady and look for him.  Why I ever thought I would find him is beyond  me.  Even if I looked on every inch of the island there is no possible way I would find someone who didn’t want to be found.  I only did that one time and I realized how ridiculous I was acting.  So then I started educating myself.  I was shaken to my very core and needed to learn how to cope with what we were experiencing.

My core is my children.  My core is the love I have for my family.  My core is the very reason I live and breath. The most important part of me, the things that my heart LOVES the most, my husband, my children and grandchildren.  These are my CORE.

core
kôr/
noun
  1. 1.
    the tough central part of various fruits, containing the seeds.
    “quarter the pears, remove the cores then slice again into wedges”
  2. 2.
    the central or most important part of something.

The Friendly Fog

via Daily Prompt: Skewed

My point of view when it comes to recovery or substance use is much different than someone who is not living it every day.   As a mother, I have learned to educate myself on substance use disorder.  I wante to be aware of what can happen, what is happening and how I can cope with it as  a mother.  I want to have faith and believe in my child and love them where they are at.

The friendly fog… Well that is what I would call those who have a skewed point of view on things.  Friends, family, community members and others who want to give advice on how to handle things and share what their opinion is.  Well unless they really are educated on what substance use disorder is (a chronic neurological disorder according to the surgeron general) and want to be helpful instead of overly critical, I dont’ really want to hear what they have to say.

Not because I don’t care about them.  However, I do not need eveyrone deciding what is right for me and my family.  I have chosen to do a lot of research, seek a lot of advice from those who have experienced substance use disorder themselves or a loved one.  I know it is not easy and I don’t believe in the theory “it is their choice”.  Yes, of course the first time they use a substance, that is their choice.  Somewhere along the line it becomes survival mode.

They are no longer using for “fun” they are using because it is a means of survival.  The thought of withdrawing from whatever substance they are currently using is too much to bare. They have a skewed mind because the substance has damaged their brains.  This is something we must take into account.

It most certainly is hard to listen when things are skewed.  It is certainly hard to understand when our own point of view is skewed.  Most of all it is hard to accept truths when we are stuck in a belief system that blames people with substance use disorders or mental health issues for their diseases.  So stop telling others to go get “skewed” when we all need to make sure we know what we are talking about.

My Minds Crevice

Alarm blares at 5am.  UGH do I really need to get up? I swear I just went to sleep.  Ok, time to snooze for another 9 minutes.  I hit the snooze button.  Then I lay there trying to sleep more.  I open my eyes and look over at my husband and think why can he still be sleeping?  UGH

Then my mind wanders to our son. What is he doing?  Is he OK?  Did he stay somewhere safe last night?  Is he breathing?  I don’t feel emptier inside so he must be ok.  Then it happens, I look over at my cell phone.  Hello FaceBook Messenger…..  where I can see if he is currently online or when he last accessed his FB Messenger account.   Thank you Jesus!  He was online an hour ago.

Time to get ready for work, get the girls ready for school and head to work.  In the shower my mind drifts away to the responsibilities I have for today. Work meetings, customer needs, kids activities, dinner with family, and trying to unwind for the night.  Will he make it through today?  Will I be able to focus completely on what is in front of me today.  Will I get a call saying to come he is sick or overdosed. This is the first hour and a half of my day.

Then we drive to town, taking the oldest to school and youngest goes with me for a bit.  My mind races on the drive; I love him! he is my son. how did we get here? why can’t I fix this? his sister love him!  My husband loves him!  his brother loves him!  we need to love him where he is at.  I am dying inside and don’t know what to do.

Time to pray. I need some peace. The girls have no idea the conversations I am holding in my head today.  Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for the roof over our heads, food on our table and providing for our every need.  We especially thank you for giving your one and only son for us Lord.  Please put a circle of protection around the girls as they are in school.  Please put a circle of protection around my son and anyone else in our little town that is struggling from substance use disorder.  I ask for a spiritual awakening here Lord, that those who need to feel your love and hear you are able to.  That they can feel you and hear you and know they are worthy and loved.  We ask for these things in your precious soons name, In Jesus’ name, Amen.

This is within the first 2 1/2 hours of my day.  What will happen in the next 15 hours?

 

Let the Judgement Begin

I think about harm reduction all the time.  Narcan, clean needles, alcohol swabs, not using alone, needle exchanges, blood tests, regular doctors visits, clean skin and much more.  How can we make sure that those we love are practicing harm reduction?  We can help them ourselves if there is not a needle exchange.  We can point them in the right direction.  We can love them where they are at so they feel safe and comfortable coming to us if they need help.

You know what gets me?  I saw a meme on facebook about how expensive an Epi Pen is to help someone who is having an allergic reaction and how a “junkie who OD’d get narcan for free and it is wrong.  How the hell can giving a life saving medication to anyone be wrong? Regardless of the cost?

This really got me worked up.  Kids as young as 10 years old are using heroin and opiates where I live.  Do they not deserve to live just as much as someone who is having an allergic reaction is?  How can humans be so judgemental?  As far as I know there is only one judge and that is GOD and he offers grace and love to his children and that means EVERYONE.  He gave his one and only Son for each of us.

I went to this AWESOME training this past week.  The presenter talked about how everyone WANTS to and CAN recover with the right support.  It takes love, support, grace and a lot of patience to support someone in active substance use disorder trying to get well.  THEY CAN AND DO RECOVER!!  So…. harm reduction is vital during their active use times.