From Heroin to Hope

Well our son has a few weeks off heroin now.  He is working his steps in rehab and I am sure it is hard work.  He sounds good, much better than before.  His voice is so much different now.  I don’t think he even realizes how much different his voice was.

My husband and I will be going to family week.  This is going to be a huge challenge for us.  Not because we don’t want to go.  Because we have to face the demon straight on and hear what our son has been through.  This will be my second time going.

I remember the first time (about 3 1/2 years ago) I sat in the parent group and listened to a Mom cry. She said it was the 8th time to inpatient treatment for her son.  I prayed that time would be it for me as a Mom.  Well here I am now and we are on the 2nd time.  I wish I remember who that Mom was as I would pray hard for her now and her son.

Heroin steals our children, brothers, sisters, neighbors, community and souls.  There is nothing like heroin.  It is as evil as drugs get.  It steals our hopes and dreams.  It ravishes our minds.  We don’t even have to use it for this to happen!  That is the the worst part!!  We just get to experience a new kind of hell whether we like it or not!

I do have hope.  We are going from heroin to hope this month.  I know where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.  That gives me peace.  I know he is struggling to work hard and stay on track and that he will need much more time in recovery before we can let down some of our defenses and walls.  BUT I HAVE HOPE.

I heard my son’s voice.  It was him.  His softness, his love and his boyish attitude. That gives me hope. He is in there, he wants recovery and he deserves it!!  Our love for him won’t ever go away.  I hope that he is learning to love himself again and forgive himself and knows we will always LOVE him.

For today we are going from heroin to hope.  I am going to live in the moment, for today and pray that each day our son is stronger and can stand against this addiction.  Most importantly, we will love him no matter what!

 

Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen

I Can Be Your Hero

via Song — Prompts – The Daily Post

What a magical day it was.  Getting my hair and makeup done, watching my flowers be put together, having my best friends and closest people/family around me while I was made into a princess.  My dress was champagne and had sheer sleeves.  A corset top that laced up the back with a ballroom gown bottom.  It was heavy on my body but I sure felt beautiful so the weight didn’t bother me.

This was my second marriage.  His too.  However, we just clicked and we knew right away our souls were meant to become one.  I was walking on soft, cushy clouds, my stomach had butterflies, and I had never felt that things were so right.  This man swept me off my feet and stole my heart.  He took my breath away and made me feel ways I had never before.  It was like the first kiss all over again and again and again.

This was the day I had dreamt about since I was a tiny little girl.  The one where my prince charming would ride up on his horse, sweep me off my feet and become my Hero.  Where I could wear my princess dress, have my wedding party and my prince and commit my life to another person and become a Mrs. Prince…. Mrs. Prince Tony.  That is who I was becoming.  I couldn’t wait!

As I sat there with Karen dolling me up, I thought back on all the things we had experienced together in the last 15 months.  BBQ’d pizza, yellow tshirts, camping, darts, being sang to, walks on the beach, baseball games, trip to Juneau together, sharing my deepest thoughts and that first kiss that melt my heart. Our song is “I Can Be Your Hero, by Enrique Iglesias.”  I could’t wait to dance with my Prince after saying our vows.