RIP RIP RIP

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

I completely believe each person wants recovery and it IS possible!!  Does it mean that it is a heck of a lot of hard work?  YESSSSS!  Does it mean that a person will struggle, cry, hurt, get confused, possibly relapse and get back on track?  YESSSSS!

As a mom with a child who is trying hard to stay in recovery and is in an inpatient rehab for the second time this summer, I believe that recovery is possible and that each individual at one point or another wants it.  Having faith and hope is very important to my own recovery as a Mom of someone struggling with substance use disorder.  It doesn’t just go away on abstinence.  This is a lifelong disease.

I have attended a couple online Naranon support groups for Moms. Those have been a wonderful support.  I cannot always make it on time due to my job and parenting.  I do my best. I ready daily “One day at time in Al-Anon” to help keep myself on track and grounded.

My recovery is a struggle too!  Being addicted to the child who is suffering is hard.  I never meant to go this route.  I never realized how unhealthy I was too.  I have been known to check FB Messenger to see when the last time it was used, text random, meaningless things just to get any response, and many other behaviors that I have struggled with that cause me anxiety and are unhealthy.

I too have to learn to get on track with myself and start to recover.  My life is not just about my child who has this disease. There are other children and grandchildren that need my attention and I am learning how to give it in a healthy way and staying in the moment.

Not only have my other kids been affected, my husband, my friends, my job, my family, and just about any area of my life.  Moms who have children with substance use disorder go through similar things as them but in a different way – unhealthy differently and it is hard to regain ourselves.

So if you know me, please give me time, patience and lots and lots of grace.  YOU are important to me, and I value you. I love my child too and I am working on my own recovery while they work on theirs.  I am sorry if I have not only myself, but you as well. That was never my intentions.  Please forgive me and know that…

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

Advertisements

From Heroin to Hope

Well our son has a few weeks off heroin now.  He is working his steps in rehab and I am sure it is hard work.  He sounds good, much better than before.  His voice is so much different now.  I don’t think he even realizes how much different his voice was.

My husband and I will be going to family week.  This is going to be a huge challenge for us.  Not because we don’t want to go.  Because we have to face the demon straight on and hear what our son has been through.  This will be my second time going.

I remember the first time (about 3 1/2 years ago) I sat in the parent group and listened to a Mom cry. She said it was the 8th time to inpatient treatment for her son.  I prayed that time would be it for me as a Mom.  Well here I am now and we are on the 2nd time.  I wish I remember who that Mom was as I would pray hard for her now and her son.

Heroin steals our children, brothers, sisters, neighbors, community and souls.  There is nothing like heroin.  It is as evil as drugs get.  It steals our hopes and dreams.  It ravishes our minds.  We don’t even have to use it for this to happen!  That is the the worst part!!  We just get to experience a new kind of hell whether we like it or not!

I do have hope.  We are going from heroin to hope this month.  I know where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.  That gives me peace.  I know he is struggling to work hard and stay on track and that he will need much more time in recovery before we can let down some of our defenses and walls.  BUT I HAVE HOPE.

I heard my son’s voice.  It was him.  His softness, his love and his boyish attitude. That gives me hope. He is in there, he wants recovery and he deserves it!!  Our love for him won’t ever go away.  I hope that he is learning to love himself again and forgive himself and knows we will always LOVE him.

For today we are going from heroin to hope.  I am going to live in the moment, for today and pray that each day our son is stronger and can stand against this addiction.  Most importantly, we will love him no matter what!

 

Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

CRAZY is about to take a rest

Well I am back from Japan.  Had an absolutely amazing time!  I would recommend to anyone that they go and see Japan!! It was fantastic!  I found it very peaceful after I started to feel more comfortable.  The scenery is such bright and so green!  Not like anything I have seen. And the streets are so clean! Not a garbage can in sight, yet no trash on the ground.  People do not walk around eating anywhere in Japan.  It is not heard of.

So, while I was gone all hell broke loose.  Our son relapsed and was full on using all the time.  Things were going very bad.  My husband and him had words and my husband reconciled and went to him and they were fine.  Both of them  were at fault.

Why are there no directions on how parents are to deal with this stuff? UGH, makes it so very difficult. You love your kid so much and yet you have to sit back and watch it all take place and not be able to do anything.  My heart feels like it is stomped on all the time!

Anyhow, I am back now and look my son was finally able to get into the medication assisted therapy program and it looks like he will have a bed for inpatient treatment and he has a detox he can go to. So hopefully the crazy cycle is about to take a rest at least for a while. I am praying he can get the services he needs to stop altogether and not turn back.  However, I must be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  I have faith!!

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen

Shaken To My Core

via Daily Prompt: Core

The day I found his paraphanelia is the day I was shaken to my core.  Perhaps the reality of the substance use disorder had not fully sunk in yet. I guess I may have thought that he wasn’t really that bad or that he was not doing anything quite so strong.  BOY was I ever wrong.  I couldn’t have been more wrong actually.

I was looking for something in our storage room and came across a box.  So I opened the box and there was the paraphanelia.  My heart started racing, my body was shaking and I cried.  How could this happen?  How did I not even notice that he was using like this?  Am I that blind?

I was shaken to my core.  Seeing what I did hit me hard.  I consider my core much more than my core body. It is my heart, the core of my self, the core of my being, the CORE of my motherhood.  Having my heart shredded in a matter of minutes made me feel sick.

I couldn’t help wonder what the heck was going on!  So I then decided maybe I should go find him and confront him and ask him what he was doing.  Maybe I should go look for him to make sure he was ok and not dead. Maybe I should go look for him to try and convince him to STOP and get back in recovery.

My husband went with me so I could drive around like a crazy lady and look for him.  Why I ever thought I would find him is beyond  me.  Even if I looked on every inch of the island there is no possible way I would find someone who didn’t want to be found.  I only did that one time and I realized how ridiculous I was acting.  So then I started educating myself.  I was shaken to my very core and needed to learn how to cope with what we were experiencing.

My core is my children.  My core is the love I have for my family.  My core is the very reason I live and breath. The most important part of me, the things that my heart LOVES the most, my husband, my children and grandchildren.  These are my CORE.

core
kôr/
noun
  1. 1.
    the tough central part of various fruits, containing the seeds.
    “quarter the pears, remove the cores then slice again into wedges”
  2. 2.
    the central or most important part of something.

The Friendly Fog

via Daily Prompt: Skewed

My point of view when it comes to recovery or substance use is much different than someone who is not living it every day.   As a mother, I have learned to educate myself on substance use disorder.  I wante to be aware of what can happen, what is happening and how I can cope with it as  a mother.  I want to have faith and believe in my child and love them where they are at.

The friendly fog… Well that is what I would call those who have a skewed point of view on things.  Friends, family, community members and others who want to give advice on how to handle things and share what their opinion is.  Well unless they really are educated on what substance use disorder is (a chronic neurological disorder according to the surgeron general) and want to be helpful instead of overly critical, I dont’ really want to hear what they have to say.

Not because I don’t care about them.  However, I do not need eveyrone deciding what is right for me and my family.  I have chosen to do a lot of research, seek a lot of advice from those who have experienced substance use disorder themselves or a loved one.  I know it is not easy and I don’t believe in the theory “it is their choice”.  Yes, of course the first time they use a substance, that is their choice.  Somewhere along the line it becomes survival mode.

They are no longer using for “fun” they are using because it is a means of survival.  The thought of withdrawing from whatever substance they are currently using is too much to bare. They have a skewed mind because the substance has damaged their brains.  This is something we must take into account.

It most certainly is hard to listen when things are skewed.  It is certainly hard to understand when our own point of view is skewed.  Most of all it is hard to accept truths when we are stuck in a belief system that blames people with substance use disorders or mental health issues for their diseases.  So stop telling others to go get “skewed” when we all need to make sure we know what we are talking about.