RIP RIP RIP

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

I completely believe each person wants recovery and it IS possible!!  Does it mean that it is a heck of a lot of hard work?  YESSSSS!  Does it mean that a person will struggle, cry, hurt, get confused, possibly relapse and get back on track?  YESSSSS!

As a mom with a child who is trying hard to stay in recovery and is in an inpatient rehab for the second time this summer, I believe that recovery is possible and that each individual at one point or another wants it.  Having faith and hope is very important to my own recovery as a Mom of someone struggling with substance use disorder.  It doesn’t just go away on abstinence.  This is a lifelong disease.

I have attended a couple online Naranon support groups for Moms. Those have been a wonderful support.  I cannot always make it on time due to my job and parenting.  I do my best. I ready daily “One day at time in Al-Anon” to help keep myself on track and grounded.

My recovery is a struggle too!  Being addicted to the child who is suffering is hard.  I never meant to go this route.  I never realized how unhealthy I was too.  I have been known to check FB Messenger to see when the last time it was used, text random, meaningless things just to get any response, and many other behaviors that I have struggled with that cause me anxiety and are unhealthy.

I too have to learn to get on track with myself and start to recover.  My life is not just about my child who has this disease. There are other children and grandchildren that need my attention and I am learning how to give it in a healthy way and staying in the moment.

Not only have my other kids been affected, my husband, my friends, my job, my family, and just about any area of my life.  Moms who have children with substance use disorder go through similar things as them but in a different way – unhealthy differently and it is hard to regain ourselves.

So if you know me, please give me time, patience and lots and lots of grace.  YOU are important to me, and I value you. I love my child too and I am working on my own recovery while they work on theirs.  I am sorry if I have not only myself, but you as well. That was never my intentions.  Please forgive me and know that…

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

Shaken To My Core

via Daily Prompt: Core

The day I found his paraphanelia is the day I was shaken to my core.  Perhaps the reality of the substance use disorder had not fully sunk in yet. I guess I may have thought that he wasn’t really that bad or that he was not doing anything quite so strong.  BOY was I ever wrong.  I couldn’t have been more wrong actually.

I was looking for something in our storage room and came across a box.  So I opened the box and there was the paraphanelia.  My heart started racing, my body was shaking and I cried.  How could this happen?  How did I not even notice that he was using like this?  Am I that blind?

I was shaken to my core.  Seeing what I did hit me hard.  I consider my core much more than my core body. It is my heart, the core of my self, the core of my being, the CORE of my motherhood.  Having my heart shredded in a matter of minutes made me feel sick.

I couldn’t help wonder what the heck was going on!  So I then decided maybe I should go find him and confront him and ask him what he was doing.  Maybe I should go look for him to make sure he was ok and not dead. Maybe I should go look for him to try and convince him to STOP and get back in recovery.

My husband went with me so I could drive around like a crazy lady and look for him.  Why I ever thought I would find him is beyond  me.  Even if I looked on every inch of the island there is no possible way I would find someone who didn’t want to be found.  I only did that one time and I realized how ridiculous I was acting.  So then I started educating myself.  I was shaken to my very core and needed to learn how to cope with what we were experiencing.

My core is my children.  My core is the love I have for my family.  My core is the very reason I live and breath. The most important part of me, the things that my heart LOVES the most, my husband, my children and grandchildren.  These are my CORE.

core
kôr/
noun
  1. 1.
    the tough central part of various fruits, containing the seeds.
    “quarter the pears, remove the cores then slice again into wedges”
  2. 2.
    the central or most important part of something.

My Minds Crevice

Alarm blares at 5am.  UGH do I really need to get up? I swear I just went to sleep.  Ok, time to snooze for another 9 minutes.  I hit the snooze button.  Then I lay there trying to sleep more.  I open my eyes and look over at my husband and think why can he still be sleeping?  UGH

Then my mind wanders to our son. What is he doing?  Is he OK?  Did he stay somewhere safe last night?  Is he breathing?  I don’t feel emptier inside so he must be ok.  Then it happens, I look over at my cell phone.  Hello FaceBook Messenger…..  where I can see if he is currently online or when he last accessed his FB Messenger account.   Thank you Jesus!  He was online an hour ago.

Time to get ready for work, get the girls ready for school and head to work.  In the shower my mind drifts away to the responsibilities I have for today. Work meetings, customer needs, kids activities, dinner with family, and trying to unwind for the night.  Will he make it through today?  Will I be able to focus completely on what is in front of me today.  Will I get a call saying to come he is sick or overdosed. This is the first hour and a half of my day.

Then we drive to town, taking the oldest to school and youngest goes with me for a bit.  My mind races on the drive; I love him! he is my son. how did we get here? why can’t I fix this? his sister love him!  My husband loves him!  his brother loves him!  we need to love him where he is at.  I am dying inside and don’t know what to do.

Time to pray. I need some peace. The girls have no idea the conversations I am holding in my head today.  Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for the roof over our heads, food on our table and providing for our every need.  We especially thank you for giving your one and only son for us Lord.  Please put a circle of protection around the girls as they are in school.  Please put a circle of protection around my son and anyone else in our little town that is struggling from substance use disorder.  I ask for a spiritual awakening here Lord, that those who need to feel your love and hear you are able to.  That they can feel you and hear you and know they are worthy and loved.  We ask for these things in your precious soons name, In Jesus’ name, Amen.

This is within the first 2 1/2 hours of my day.  What will happen in the next 15 hours?

 

Let the Judgement Begin

I think about harm reduction all the time.  Narcan, clean needles, alcohol swabs, not using alone, needle exchanges, blood tests, regular doctors visits, clean skin and much more.  How can we make sure that those we love are practicing harm reduction?  We can help them ourselves if there is not a needle exchange.  We can point them in the right direction.  We can love them where they are at so they feel safe and comfortable coming to us if they need help.

You know what gets me?  I saw a meme on facebook about how expensive an Epi Pen is to help someone who is having an allergic reaction and how a “junkie who OD’d get narcan for free and it is wrong.  How the hell can giving a life saving medication to anyone be wrong? Regardless of the cost?

This really got me worked up.  Kids as young as 10 years old are using heroin and opiates where I live.  Do they not deserve to live just as much as someone who is having an allergic reaction is?  How can humans be so judgemental?  As far as I know there is only one judge and that is GOD and he offers grace and love to his children and that means EVERYONE.  He gave his one and only Son for each of us.

I went to this AWESOME training this past week.  The presenter talked about how everyone WANTS to and CAN recover with the right support.  It takes love, support, grace and a lot of patience to support someone in active substance use disorder trying to get well.  THEY CAN AND DO RECOVER!!  So…. harm reduction is vital during their active use times.

 

Crazy Cycle

Some days I feel like I am on the crazy cycle and I cannot get off no matter what I do.  I just right on my morning ride and then the cycle starts. It starts out a bit slow, but then the speed picks right up until I am exhausted.  This can happen day after day after day and sometimes more than I want.

This past week I felt like I was on the crazy cycle.  Not just at home but at work.  Many things happening back to back that kept me from being able to really relax and clear my mind.  Then I bring it home with me and cannot sleep at night.  I have a hard time getting to sleep when I am on the crazy cycle as my anxiety increases.

Addiction sure has a way of controling my life even though I am not the person actively using.  It seeps into each thought I have.   I don’t even intentionally have to be thinking of it.  I can be working and the next thing you know my mind wanders over wondering what my child is doing, are they safe, are they sober, are they alive.

The crazy cycle is something that happens in my mind that I cannot stop.  I have joined a support group with other family members who have loved ones suffering from addiction.  I am not sure if I should be pleased that I am not alone or if I should feel sad I am not alone in the crazy cyle.

How is it that so many people can be affected by addiction and be on the SAME crazy cycle? This amazes me.  Parents doing the very same thing I am across the country, in a different time zone and for a different person!!!  I hate the crazy cycle right now…..it frustrates me, exhausts me and makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Black Balloon Day

Today is the day we bring awareness and remember those loast to an overdose.  So we hang black balloons outside of our homes.  I did this at 6:30am and took photos and posted them on social media with the hashtag #BlackBalloonDay.

Next year I will plan better in advance and let the local radio stations and the newspaper know what day is coming. Unfortunately I didn’t think of it until today.  I want to take a more positive role in the community and help bring much needed awareness to the growing epedemic of addiction.

Addiction is much like Satan.  There is no discrimination in who gets manipulated and suckered in.  Addiction and Satan….. one in the same.  Whispers in the ear, takes over your thoughts, makes you believe they are the best thing for you and for you to leave what you love and believe in for it.

As I hung my ballooon out I thought of my good friends nephew who lost his fight at 22 years of age less than two years ago.  Of another Mom who lost their son as well less than two years ago.  I look at my child and wonder if I am next to lose someone.  I look at the faces in the community, some that I know are using, some that I suspect could be and I wonder who loves them and if they are next to lose someone.

It is unfortunate that those suffering from addiction are treated with such disrespect, and ridicule.  At least those who wear it on their sleaves and are not hidden behind a suit, or a dress, or smock, or scrubs, or in a prestigious position that hide their addiction well.

#BlackBalloonDay is important and should be recognized and in my small community it is not.  I am one person with black balloons on her car and on her house.  I have not seen another one today at all. Kind of makes me want to go pass out black balloons at the local Walmart just so I am not alone.  However, on the other hand, I am proud to hang my black balloons.  So standing alone is OK by me.   For now…. as next year, I will plan big!