Still Alive

Well, it’s been months since I wrote. Been struggling with depression. Despite the fact things are good it has been difficult to feel better. It’s a daily struggle. Despite positive outcomes I’m still struggling.

My son went to treatment a second time after a near fatal overdose in August. It was HELL getting him there. I was here in Alaska and he was in Washington. The people he was with refused to give him a ride to the airport so I paid for an Uber! Yep, you got it, an Uber took him to catch his flight to treatment. My son wanted help so bad but no one surrounding him would help. So I was at my last straw.

When he arrived in treatment again he was assigned a different program and different counselor. Wow, what a difference this made. He extended his stay and worked his program and had a much different outlook. Right now he has been living in a sober living house since September and doing well. Has a job with a sober company and participated in NA regularly.

Me, I’m in Naranon, counseling and still working on myself. I still stress and fall into a thinking error and have to stop myself – I know right now he is safe! He is sober and I should try to live one day at a time. So this is my start to doing that.

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FEAR

Here I am, in family weekend again this summer, in treatment with my son. I have not felt fear since he has been in here. I have felt a sense a security just knowing he has been here.

It’s been a relief to know where he sleeps each night, who he is with, where he spends his spare time, and what he is doing. Which has been working on himself, relapse prevention and the aftercare process.

Today I am stuck on FEAR. In two days he will graduate from a 28 day program. I have so many fears… it is hard to process what my brain has going on. My fears are starting to cloud my mind.

My biggest fear lurks close by and causes a heightened sense of anxiety for me. I cannot get the thought of him overdosing and dying out of my mind. It is a real fear, something that I have to know could happen if he relapses.

Sometimes, even though I have faith, I can get lost too. I have self doubt and fear. My son looks good, seems determined, has a good outlook and is healthier than before. I’m doing my best to not let my fear show too much. One day at a time…

I’m Dying

Little by little I lose a piece of myself. Each piece I lose is making me die. Each piece I lose is valuable and shouldn’t be going away. It is mine! I don’t want to lose it, I don’t want to die!!

Yesterday I lost a piece of my patience. Boy, that was rough! I most certainly cannot afford to lose any of my patience! I need all the patience I can get!

Today I lost a piece of my self esteem. That really hurt. Brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest that I didn’t expect. I don’t enjoy losing my self esteem! It feels bad and I need all the self esteem I can get!

Last week I lost a piece of my heart. Ouch! That was some serious pain! Heartache is more painful than I had ever imagined. I thought I could get through it but I need all the pieces of my heart intact!

I’ve lost bits and pieces of joy, hope, laughter, love, patience, sleep, love, kindness, desire, gratitude, my heart, my family, my kids, and my faith. I need these thing back! I’m fragmented and cannot function without them. I don’t want to die!

Behind The Smile

Behind the smile is a complete different world. One that struggles to see the light and to feel positive. A world that others don’t know and they don’t want to know. One that is lonely and dark and leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile has no sun. It’s dark and grey all of the time. You cannot see others in the haze. You cannot even see yourself. You can only see the haze and nothing else. A dark, cold, permeating haze that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile smells rotten. It smells of death and decay. You cannot smell flowers. You cannot smell home cooked meals or baked cookies. You can only smell death and decay and there is nothing that can take that smell away. A rotting smell that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile doesn’t love me. It’s touch is cold and hard like frozen metal in the winter. If I reach out the sting is like frost bite and it starts to spread over my body. It stings at first and then goes deeper until I am screaming in pain. It won’t stop. I cannot use any amount of blankets to get warm. It’s a icy touch that leaves an emptiness inside of me.

The world behind the smile has no people in it. It only has corpses. The corpses do not smile or wave at me. They chase me and try to eat me alive until I am a zombie, like them. With their razor sharp teeth, rotten flesh, bones protruding from the little flesh they have, they reach for me and I barely escape. The thought of being so close to death leaves an emptiness inside of me.

RIP RIP RIP

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

I completely believe each person wants recovery and it IS possible!!  Does it mean that it is a heck of a lot of hard work?  YESSSSS!  Does it mean that a person will struggle, cry, hurt, get confused, possibly relapse and get back on track?  YESSSSS!

As a mom with a child who is trying hard to stay in recovery and is in an inpatient rehab for the second time this summer, I believe that recovery is possible and that each individual at one point or another wants it.  Having faith and hope is very important to my own recovery as a Mom of someone struggling with substance use disorder.  It doesn’t just go away on abstinence.  This is a lifelong disease.

I have attended a couple online Naranon support groups for Moms. Those have been a wonderful support.  I cannot always make it on time due to my job and parenting.  I do my best. I ready daily “One day at time in Al-Anon” to help keep myself on track and grounded.

My recovery is a struggle too!  Being addicted to the child who is suffering is hard.  I never meant to go this route.  I never realized how unhealthy I was too.  I have been known to check FB Messenger to see when the last time it was used, text random, meaningless things just to get any response, and many other behaviors that I have struggled with that cause me anxiety and are unhealthy.

I too have to learn to get on track with myself and start to recover.  My life is not just about my child who has this disease. There are other children and grandchildren that need my attention and I am learning how to give it in a healthy way and staying in the moment.

Not only have my other kids been affected, my husband, my friends, my job, my family, and just about any area of my life.  Moms who have children with substance use disorder go through similar things as them but in a different way – unhealthy differently and it is hard to regain ourselves.

So if you know me, please give me time, patience and lots and lots of grace.  YOU are important to me, and I value you. I love my child too and I am working on my own recovery while they work on theirs.  I am sorry if I have not only myself, but you as well. That was never my intentions.  Please forgive me and know that…

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

No Words

Well I have been struggling with depression and anxiety over the summer. Hence, no writing for me. It’s not that I have a block but just no desire to do much.

Went to family weekend with our son. It was a super great experience for my husband, our son and I. Met some really great families and made some relationships that will last in the future.

Upon release from treatment our son didn’t have a solid plan where he was safe. No sober place to go. We encouraged him to make the arrangements but….

Well we went back to Alaska. He went to a familiar place. Relapse came quick. That familiar demon summoned him back to the throws of addiction. He was was back at it stronger than ever.

Ugh, my stomach was sick, my heart hurt, my anxiety screamed through the roof. I wanted to jump on the plane and go get him and tear everyone to pieces that got in my way.

Instead, I waited it out. Prayed and gave it up to God. Tried to focus on living my own life and hoped he would see the light.

FINALLY, with the proper love and encouragement of his new found brothers, he arranged to go back to treatment.

He was only out for 18 days and then went back. He has a new counselor, new group, new perspective. I’m at a loss for words really. I’m just praying this stay will be better.

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen