What a magical day it was. Getting my hair and makeup done, watching my flowers be put together, having my best friends and closest people/family around me while I was made into a princess. My dress was champagne and had sheer sleeves. A corset top that laced up the back with a ballroom gown bottom. It was heavy on my body but I sure felt beautiful so the weight didn’t bother me.
This was my second marriage. His too. However, we just clicked and we knew right away our souls were meant to become one. I was walking on soft, cushy clouds, my stomach had butterflies, and I had never felt that things were so right. This man swept me off my feet and stole my heart. He took my breath away and made me feel ways I had never before. It was like the first kiss all over again and again and again.
This was the day I had dreamt about since I was a tiny little girl. The one where my prince charming would ride up on his horse, sweep me off my feet and become my Hero. Where I could wear my princess dress, have my wedding party and my prince and commit my life to another person and become a Mrs. Prince…. Mrs. Prince Tony. That is who I was becoming. I couldn’t wait!
As I sat there with Karen dolling me up, I thought back on all the things we had experienced together in the last 15 months. BBQ’d pizza, yellow tshirts, camping, darts, being sang to, walks on the beach, baseball games, trip to Juneau together, sharing my deepest thoughts and that first kiss that melt my heart. Our song is “I Can Be Your Hero, by Enrique Iglesias.” I could’t wait to dance with my Prince after saying our vows.
via His Heart Beats
You never really think about what exactly drives you to get up and go daily. We just do it! We learn to get up each day, use the bathroom, get dressed, eat breakfast, have coffee, brush teeth and go about whatever it is you are to be doing. Then we come home each evening, have dinner, socialize if we want, go through the motions and head to bed. Groundhogs Day comes and goes as one would expect as an adult.
When you are a toddler, you get up and giggle, play and learn the awe of wonder in each new thing you touch. You touch, chew, lick, try to eat everything you can just to have your senses learn about this new world you live in.
As you grow older and get into grade school you get up, smile, laugh, and learn how to socialize with your friends while learning how to read, write and all the fun things that come with elementary school. Relay races, artwork for holidays, field day and summer break come and go.
Junior High school… well that is much different. The awkward stage where you are maturing, growing, and your hormones are all wacky and crazy and all over the place. As a teen girl, I cried, I laughed and I freaked out all in a 5 minute time frame! My hair was never right, my clothes were not right and changing was difficult!
High School, phew, finally I started feeling better about myself. It was much nicer. I enjoyed my classes, I had good friends, I felt better about myself and couldn’t wait to get the heck out on my own! Until I was that is!
Right now, I keep going through the daily grind. Wake up, get kids up, shower, get ready for work, make sure kids are ready, head off to work/school and then come home and do dinner, activities, prayers, bedtime and restart it all over again. I think about how I LOVE my life and how I LOVE my kids and how I want to continue to see their hearts beat and their lives thrive. My DRIVE is my children, my husband and my love for them and God. Keep driving, that is what I tell myself each day.
She walked past me and I could tell by the look in her eyes she wanted to say something. I think I had surprised her by my presence when she got off the elevator. I had know for years that she didn’t like me. Which is absolutely fine! I hadn’t seen her in years and was honestly feeling a bit sad for her the last time.
Her face turned blotchy red, eyes squinted and her lips pursed together while she walked on by. I just continued to mind my own business and decided that no matter what today she couldn’t slight me.
I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying “hey, how’s it going” in my typical early morning cheery voice. I love mornings, coffee and seeing people. Which in return, makes me smile more and cheerful to talk with them.
I enjoy seeing how those I care about are doing and listening to them talk about how their lives. Biting my tongue was hard, even if just seeing her, a woman who carries much anger and disdain on her shoulders wouldn’t be nice back.
Praying today brings us all peace, joy, and forgiveness. Forgiveness not just for others, but for ourselves. Our ability to forgive and love ourselves helps us love ourselves and others. This makes biting our tongues for the right reasons easier. Don’t slight others to make yourself feel better.
The day I found his paraphanelia is the day I was shaken to my core. Perhaps the reality of the substance use disorder had not fully sunk in yet. I guess I may have thought that he wasn’t really that bad or that he was not doing anything quite so strong. BOY was I ever wrong. I couldn’t have been more wrong actually.
I was looking for something in our storage room and came across a box. So I opened the box and there was the paraphanelia. My heart started racing, my body was shaking and I cried. How could this happen? How did I not even notice that he was using like this? Am I that blind?
I was shaken to my core. Seeing what I did hit me hard. I consider my core much more than my core body. It is my heart, the core of my self, the core of my being, the CORE of my motherhood. Having my heart shredded in a matter of minutes made me feel sick.
I couldn’t help wonder what the heck was going on! So I then decided maybe I should go find him and confront him and ask him what he was doing. Maybe I should go look for him to make sure he was ok and not dead. Maybe I should go look for him to try and convince him to STOP and get back in recovery.
My husband went with me so I could drive around like a crazy lady and look for him. Why I ever thought I would find him is beyond me. Even if I looked on every inch of the island there is no possible way I would find someone who didn’t want to be found. I only did that one time and I realized how ridiculous I was acting. So then I started educating myself. I was shaken to my very core and needed to learn how to cope with what we were experiencing.
My core is my children. My core is the love I have for my family. My core is the very reason I live and breath. The most important part of me, the things that my heart LOVES the most, my husband, my children and grandchildren. These are my CORE.
My point of view when it comes to recovery or substance use is much different than someone who is not living it every day. As a mother, I have learned to educate myself on substance use disorder. I wante to be aware of what can happen, what is happening and how I can cope with it as a mother. I want to have faith and believe in my child and love them where they are at.
The friendly fog… Well that is what I would call those who have a skewed point of view on things. Friends, family, community members and others who want to give advice on how to handle things and share what their opinion is. Well unless they really are educated on what substance use disorder is (a chronic neurological disorder according to the surgeron general) and want to be helpful instead of overly critical, I dont’ really want to hear what they have to say.
Not because I don’t care about them. However, I do not need eveyrone deciding what is right for me and my family. I have chosen to do a lot of research, seek a lot of advice from those who have experienced substance use disorder themselves or a loved one. I know it is not easy and I don’t believe in the theory “it is their choice”. Yes, of course the first time they use a substance, that is their choice. Somewhere along the line it becomes survival mode.
They are no longer using for “fun” they are using because it is a means of survival. The thought of withdrawing from whatever substance they are currently using is too much to bare. They have a skewed mind because the substance has damaged their brains. This is something we must take into account.
It most certainly is hard to listen when things are skewed. It is certainly hard to understand when our own point of view is skewed. Most of all it is hard to accept truths when we are stuck in a belief system that blames people with substance use disorders or mental health issues for their diseases. So stop telling others to go get “skewed” when we all need to make sure we know what we are talking about.
Alarm blares at 5am. UGH do I really need to get up? I swear I just went to sleep. Ok, time to snooze for another 9 minutes. I hit the snooze button. Then I lay there trying to sleep more. I open my eyes and look over at my husband and think why can he still be sleeping? UGH
Then my mind wanders to our son. What is he doing? Is he OK? Did he stay somewhere safe last night? Is he breathing? I don’t feel emptier inside so he must be ok. Then it happens, I look over at my cell phone. Hello FaceBook Messenger….. where I can see if he is currently online or when he last accessed his FB Messenger account. Thank you Jesus! He was online an hour ago.
Time to get ready for work, get the girls ready for school and head to work. In the shower my mind drifts away to the responsibilities I have for today. Work meetings, customer needs, kids activities, dinner with family, and trying to unwind for the night. Will he make it through today? Will I be able to focus completely on what is in front of me today. Will I get a call saying to come he is sick or overdosed. This is the first hour and a half of my day.
Then we drive to town, taking the oldest to school and youngest goes with me for a bit. My mind races on the drive; I love him! he is my son. how did we get here? why can’t I fix this? his sister love him! My husband loves him! his brother loves him! we need to love him where he is at. I am dying inside and don’t know what to do.
Time to pray. I need some peace. The girls have no idea the conversations I am holding in my head today. Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for the roof over our heads, food on our table and providing for our every need. We especially thank you for giving your one and only son for us Lord. Please put a circle of protection around the girls as they are in school. Please put a circle of protection around my son and anyone else in our little town that is struggling from substance use disorder. I ask for a spiritual awakening here Lord, that those who need to feel your love and hear you are able to. That they can feel you and hear you and know they are worthy and loved. We ask for these things in your precious soons name, In Jesus’ name, Amen.
This is within the first 2 1/2 hours of my day. What will happen in the next 15 hours?