I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would. This is not always a positive experience for others. I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.
I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me. Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice. This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better. I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.
Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process. If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect. However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.
Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing? Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much? When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?
I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox. I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things. This is what goes through my brain daily. But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me. I am not in charge of someone’s recovery. I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace. I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore… I am just a mother fighting. Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.