Tears of Uncertainty

Well he made it to inpatient treatment this afternoon.  I am soooo proud of him for finally taking the leap and committing to his own health and body and mind.  I was not so pleased on what was taking place before I came back from Japan, but fast forward and we are here.  He made it to treatment!

I have cried repeatedly today.  I do not know if they are tears of joy, relief, anger, despair or what because my emotions are so out of whack from this roller coaster that we have been on that getting off is a hardship for me.  Even though it sucked being on it, it was familiar.  I know that sounds bad… but it is true!

My emotions are so out of whack.  I cannot identify a single one.  Reminds of when I was younger and first started my menstrual cycle and couldn’t control my emotions in Junior High.  I was happy, sad, upset, angry, giddy, silly, and complacent all in a matter of minutes.

I was cooking my veggies tonight and burst into tears.  Sobbing actually.  Which was so awkward!  I hold myself together usually.  Then finally I pulled myself together and again it happened.  I just want to feel relief. Which I do.  However, I have all of these other emotions that I kept a tight reign on until now that flood through.

Those what if moments had feelings attached to them.  What if he overdoses? (fear) Will he live? (agnony)  Will he have brain damage?  (HOLY Sweet baby Jesus) Will he die with a part of me with him?  (Sadness and grief)  Will he get arrested?  (Anxiety)  Will he have to save a friend?  (helplessness) Will he get through this?  (skepticism) Will he have the courage and strength to stop?  (hope) Will I have the courage to stand by him and love him where he is at regardless of any of the WHAT IFS?  (hopeful and helpless)

So tonight, I will lie on my bed and succumb to a variety of emotions from the last couple of years and cry, sob, scream, or whatever else comes into my head.  I will pray and ask for forgiveness for myself and for anyone else and I will give it up to God and release my emotions.

The best part of tonight is that I know where he is, what to expect, and who he is with.  I know he CHOSE to go there and is wanting recovery. I will LOVE him where he is at and do my best to be the Mom I can to support him.  Fleeting thought…. PINCH ME!!  Reality check!

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CRAZY is about to take a rest

Well I am back from Japan.  Had an absolutely amazing time!  I would recommend to anyone that they go and see Japan!! It was fantastic!  I found it very peaceful after I started to feel more comfortable.  The scenery is such bright and so green!  Not like anything I have seen. And the streets are so clean! Not a garbage can in sight, yet no trash on the ground.  People do not walk around eating anywhere in Japan.  It is not heard of.

So, while I was gone all hell broke loose.  Our son relapsed and was full on using all the time.  Things were going very bad.  My husband and him had words and my husband reconciled and went to him and they were fine.  Both of them  were at fault.

Why are there no directions on how parents are to deal with this stuff? UGH, makes it so very difficult. You love your kid so much and yet you have to sit back and watch it all take place and not be able to do anything.  My heart feels like it is stomped on all the time!

Anyhow, I am back now and look my son was finally able to get into the medication assisted therapy program and it looks like he will have a bed for inpatient treatment and he has a detox he can go to. So hopefully the crazy cycle is about to take a rest at least for a while. I am praying he can get the services he needs to stop altogether and not turn back.  However, I must be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  I have faith!!

While I’m away

I left on a trip out of the country to Japan. This caused some anxiety on the day I left. Will things keep moving, will they be ok, will everyone get along? Not much I could do ether way. I was already committed to my trip and had been looking forward to going with our youngest daughter.

Praying has been such a help for me. And this hot sun! It’s beautiful here in Japan. Feeling the sun kiss my skin and sit in solace gives me great joy and peace. The greenery here is so amazing. Everywhere I look I see bright, vivid green in all the trees, shrubs, grass, vegetation and the flowers are amazing too.

Japan has its own scent. It’s much different than Alaska it the USA. I cannot describe the scent yet, but I hope to before I go home.

Last night there was rain and a thunder storm. The smell of the rain was wonderful and hearing the thunder brought back childhood memories of traveling to see my Great Grandmother. One of my most fond memories in my childhood.

This morning I received great news. We are finally closer to inpatient treatment. My son has his intake for his assessment Monday and he will receive medication assisted therapy until he goes.

While I am away, I have been praying, praying and praying for my family and my son. Thank you Jesus for hearing those prayers and guiding us.

While I am away, my body, mind and attention is focused on what I have in front of me. However, part of my heart remains at home with my family and with my son.

It’s Not Up to Me

via Patience — Prompts – The Daily Post

I feel a bit helpless, which makes me nervous and also makes me talk more than I normally would.  This is not always a positive experience for others.  I am not intentionally trying to annoy someone. I am just not sure what to do with myself.

I have to sit and remember that this is not up to me.  Detoxing or sobriety or what a person does with their life, it not my choice.  This is really difficult to swallow when you want so deeply for the person you love and care for to be better.  I cannot force them, lock them up, or make them do it because it is my desire.

Patience is certainly not my strong suit during this process.  If I could fast forward a week and have things the way I want them, well that would be perfect.  However, patience is always tested for us when it is something we want so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard when what I want is the right thing and best thing?  Why do I feel like my patience is tested so much?  When I think all is going well and I say something I don’t mean or I do something that is ridiculous why is it during the most important moments of my life?

I don’t have the patience I need to watch him detox.  I don’t have the patience I need to say the right things. I don’t have the patience I need to do the right things.  This is what goes through my brain daily.  But the truth is no amount of patience will make things any easier but it is not up to me.  I am not in charge of someone’s recovery.  I don’t want to be in charge. I just want to get through this and have a little bit of peace.  I don’t have patience within my own mind anymore…  I am just a mother fighting.  Fighting against heroin, fighting against stigma, fighting against myself to keep sane while praying, loving, accepting my son where he is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen

Crisp, Cool and Inviting

via Crisp

I was sitting at the table listening to the waves lap onto the shoreline, the wind lightly tussing the tree branches and the rain pelting at the glass on the windows. It was a cool spring day. What a disappointment after having a few beautiful sunny days.

My morning coffee tasted so good. Fresh and flavored with my favorite almond milk Carmel creamer. I held my cup just below my nose, closed my mouth and breathed in the sweet savory scent. I closed my eyes and stayed in that moment for a minute or two.

I got up, walked over to the sliding glass door, slid it open and stepped out in the deck. The cool, crisp morning air caressed my face. Soft, cold raindrops kissed my skin and body. I closed my eyes, held my cup up to smell my coffee and savored the moment.

There has never been such a crisp, inviting, and fresh ocean air that I have yearned for like the one in my backyard. Despite the Southeast rain, I love to take in long breaths on the deck and enjoy the breathtaking moments on our deck.

 

Narcissism

dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/narcissism/

Her inability to recognize that others are able to have their own opinions and think freely was not the only reason she oozed with narcissism. It was certainly a contributing factor, but not the main trait. She especially challenged other women.

It was more than being a little jealous. It was she saw other women as a threat, a competition and that she was the better woman. No one else could be better than her.

She always has a constant need to point out how she is doing. Kind of like a “look at me” attitude. Look at me, my grades are so awesome. Look at me, I’m better off without you. Look at me, I’m doing better than you could have expected. Why can you not make me the center of your attention all the time!

Her narcissism oozed out when she spoke. It oozed out when she would get upset with people not praising her every move. It oozed out when she refused to listen to others thoughts and feelings. How could her ideas not be the best ones? How could she just be another opinion not agreed with? Or how could someone else have a good idea that would have just as much impact or more than hers!

She was that woman that people avoided because of her narcissism. She definitely was intelligent, pretty, funny and charismatic. However, her inability to recognize and be open to others opinions really showed her true intent and her flaws.